The Real Draco Malfoy
by dagan
Summary: This IS NOT a song filk. It's a funny Q&A from Draco


A/N:: I always thought it'd be fun to see what Draco thought about how FF.N authors portrayed him. This is what came up. It may be confusing at first. I act as his beta, and there are parts in thingies like these: . They mean a conversation is going on between me and Draco.   
  
I'd like to thank Khirsah for developing MAWP. It *does* make sense! I'm nt sure who 'Draco's Cousin' and 'André' belong to, so if you know, tell me in your review so I can properly acknowledge the lovely author. And the high heels quote is my own. I can not, not for the life off me, not if it's decide my fate between Heaven and Hell, walk in high heels. My strides are too wide and guy like. And the natural clumsiness thing is my own, too. I'm known for saying "Now, how did I get a bruise there?" Another thing to be chalked up to being a teen, I guess.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
First of all, yes, I know there is a song called 'The Real Slim Shady'. My... beta, as you authors call them, informed me. But this is not about the music Muggles call 'rap'; it is about me and how you authors portray me.  
  
I AM NOT GAY Everyone seems to think I am, but I'm not. Nor do I like that mudblood. Stop pairing me with her! Yes, she may bepretty, and yes,... ummm... my beta says I should plead the fifth now, whatever that is.  
  
FAMILYMy mother is not seeing any man but my father, and my father is not seeing any woman but my mother. He isn't gay, either. What is up with this gay thing, anyway? My beta says that a good author, Khirsah, says this:  
  
It [ Unlikely Heroes] falls in a story arch I'm calling MAWP-- Muggles Against Wizard Procreation. See, it all started when someone innocently asked me if being a wizard automatically made you gay or something, so I decided that there were some evil Muggles who wanted to keep down the wizard population by poisoning the food at Hogwarts and making everyone gay. Every wizard at Hogwarts gay= no children born to them! Voila! Makes sense to me...  
  
Makes sense to my beta, too. Ok, more family issues. My father does not beat me. The bruises are created by two things: my cousin André and... Why must I say this? Cuz the people need to know, Draco. my natural clumsiness. André does exist, but the fan fiction piece entitled 'Draco's cousin' held some truth, but mainly falsehoods. André and I get along well enough, and we are rivals to an extent. André plays the trumpet, whereas I play the piano, as stated in the story. All of our fights are petty; they are simply common bickering between two children close in age. The clumsiness issue is one most do not know about. My beta came up with a good way to put it, even though it is from a more female point of view:  
  
Well, it's like a female Muggle freshman in secondary school at her first school dance. A lot of you, the authors, remember, or even still experience how difficult it is to navigate in high heels. Draco's like that, minus the high heels. Honestly, I've spent time with him, and sometimes his legs wil just give out on him, simple as that.  
  
I don't know why they do, my legs occasionally fail. Or, when I'm in a rush to get to class, I often bump into things without noticing. Simple as that.  
  
VOLDEMORTVoldemort has been likened to the Muggle term 'Nazi'. After reading about Nazis and the Muggle World War Two, I"ve come to the conclusion that Voldemort is reamrkably like Adolf Hitler. Both use propaganda to spread a false message. Both pray on the weak in mind and soul. Both were outcasts. I do not follow Voldemort, though my father once did. Some say my family still does, but we honestly do not. I would lose a foot race to André and hear about his win until the day I die than join the remains of Voldemort's cult. You may scoff at my losing to André, but not once in fifteen years has he won against me, and I intend to keep that record.  
  
PANSYThat name sickens me. Any fan fiction where the author asumes I greatly dislike Pansy is absoluty right. She is as pretty as a fly is venomous. Even mudblood is prettier than Pansy. Now, mudblood, she is [censored]... Draco, we're talking about Pansy now, not Hermione. Right. Where was I? Oh yes, Pansy is the total definition of the Muggle term 'skank', even though,... Isn't a skank a lizard? I think you mean 'skink'. Oh, thanks.  
  
PROFESSOR SNAPE Snape is a nasty... Is 'shithead' the right term? Yeah. shithead. The only thing I can brag about is at least one teacher likes me better than mudblood. You really need to stop mentioning her, you're beginning to blush! Shut up! Hey, I like this next topic!  
  
HERMIONED'you know I really hate you? And you have to answer honestly. The people need to know. Yeah, I *really* hate you, Dagan. Ok, mudblood. I've never kissed her, like so many of you authors report me doing. I've never dated her, never sodomized her, never done anything with mudblood. That's great, Draco, but let's hear the whole truth. I'll tell it when you wipe that smirk off your face. ::Dagan's smirk slowly fades:: Alright, she's beautiful. She's a forbidden delicacy, though, since my father is proud of our heritage. He's never said I could not date mudbloods, but I don't out of respect to him. I wish I could hold her in my arms, [the rest of this response is censored, since the rating is being kept low.]  
  
  
Well, thanks to Dagan's editing process, a lot is missing. But she says to ask for your responses, mainly more qestions you have about me. I'm willing to do more of these question/answer sessions, since Dagan promises this will get mudblood to notice me. ::Laughter in backround:: That does not sound good. Oh, Dagan also says to R/R, whatever that means. So long,  
Draco  



End file.
